Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Top 4

Jaw-Droppingly Awesome Ways to Cast One's Mortal Shell

1) Assisted Suicide by Apex Predator (ASAP).
Wherein one pays the price of admission to a local zoo, then proceeds to the tiger's den, scanning for entrances. Having waited for the opportune moment (before feeding time), he or she jumps right in, rips his or her shirt off and yells: „Come at me bro! Come at me!“

2) Dance of the Knights
Wherein one makes one's way atop an apartment tower, massive boombox and 10 meters of sharp copper wiring in hand. Then he or she proceeds by tying one end of the wire around a sturdy pipe or elevator box, the other – in the shape of a noose – around one's neck. Then he or she presses play on the boombox, blasting Sergei Prokofiev's „Montagues and Capulets“ at max volume, runs and jumps off the edge, treating unsuspecting passers-by to the dynamic spectacle of he or she being decapitated mid-air, limbs and torso flying in one direction, head in another, accompanied by a giant rainbow of blood.

3) The Full Mishima 
Wherein one orchestrates a deliberately unsuccessful military coup – preferably fascist – and then proceeds by performing the assisted ritual suicide known as seppuku. Weather or not he or she deliberately fails at rousing the troops with one last desperate speech in between these two, is a matter of taste.
4) The Estonian Exit 
As this list is meant as a literary device ONLY and in no way or shape encourages actual suicide -  especially by the means listen herein - we will not divulge the secret of the fabled Estonian Exit. It would simply be too inviting for young and impressionable minds.

1 comment:

  1. The cat. Pane selga kassikostüüm ja jaluta jõkke.
    Leveraged suicide. Kata toa seinad tihkelt tekstidega stiilis "sure värdjas", "you weren't worth shit" ja nõnda edasi. Pane silmus kaela ja naudi vaadet.